


the limitations of our hearts

by kingwellsjaha



Category: The Last Kingdom (TV)
Genre: A small snippet, F/M, aldhelm and aethelflaed do what they do best hanging out and having serious conversations, mentions and discussions of uhtred/aethelflaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:28:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25303099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingwellsjaha/pseuds/kingwellsjaha
Summary: “Did I do the right thing in choosing Mercia over love?” Aethelflaed asked Aldhelm one night as the sun set behind the city walls. They had spent the entire evening discussing politics. It had been a joyous discussion filled with laughter and jokes. Aldhelm had told Aelfwynn a story or two—it was becoming a habit of his. Now Aelfwynn was fast asleep in her bed and the two had grown more silent. The evening was coming to an end.Aldhelm didn’t answer immediately . She had expected him too. (Of course, my lady. Yes, my lady, why are you even asking. – Because I am quite stupid Aldhelm, forgive me.) Instead, she could feel him observing her for quite some time before finally answering: “Do you want absolution or reassurance?”
Relationships: Aethelflaed Lady of Mercia/Aldhelm (The Last Kingdom)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25





	the limitations of our hearts

**Author's Note:**

> this piece is too big for tumblr (imo) and too small for ao3, but i will post it here anyway. the conversation just came to me and i had to write it down. hope you enjoy it!

“Did I do the right thing in choosing Mercia over love?” Aethelflaed asked Aldhelm one night as the sun set behind the city walls. They had spent the entire evening discussing politics. It had been a joyous discussion filled with laughter and jokes. Aldhelm had told Aelfwynn a story or two—it was becoming a habit of his. Now Aelfwynn was fast asleep in her bed and the two had grown more silent. The evening was coming to an end.

Aldhelm didn’t answer immediately . She had expected him too. _(Of course, my lady. Yes, my lady, why are you even asking._ – _Because I am quite stupid Aldhelm, forgive me.)_ Instead, she could feel him observing her for quite some time before finally answering:

“Do you want absolution or reassurance?”

She blinked at that, uncertain what to say. He noticed her confusion.

“You know my answer, my lady, I assume you did not ask for a repetition.”

Maybe she had, but now she was too embarrassed to ask for it. Pressing her lips together she hid a smile and looked at the fire. “I might know your answer already, but you’re also my only confidant.”

From the corner of her eyes, she could see Aldhelm cocking his head. He observed her again, his eyes intently on her face trying to read her every expression. She tried to hide her fear of what he might find.

“Why are you asking then, my lady?”

She didn’t exactly know. It was a recurring thought, especially in the evening. During the day Mercia kept her busy, there was always something to discuss, decide or simply to observe, but when everything grew quiet, she suddenly realized how lonely she was. But she could not say that, even if at this point Aldhelm might be the closest friend.

“Back when this all started, Uhtred ushered me to just take my daughter and leave with him. Somewhere no one could find us and raise our children there. And in that moment I really wanted to, or so I thought. And now looking back at it, I wonder if it was a lie. If I lied to him and myself.”

She still remembered the moment so vividly. Mostly because it was in total contrast to what she had done during the Witan. She had not even flinched then, the words had just left her mouth and like this she had pushed him away and any possibility to be together (but maybe it had already been doomed when she had decided not to run away with him, to remain.) Shaking her head, trying to get rid of the image in her head, she turned to Aldhelm, who looked weirdly tense now. His lips pressed together in a thin line.

“You wanted to leave with him,” he repeated.

“But I didn’t, duty kept me here.” The words reassured Aldhelm a little bit. He took another sip of his ale.

“What would you have done if I had tried to leave?” Tried, she added the word to soften the blow. Aldhelm didn’t take long to answer.

“Try and stop you.”

She started to laugh, not that it was funny: the image of Aldhelm standing between her and the gate, between Uhtred, his men, their children, her and the gate. He wouldn’t have had a chance, she told herself, then stopped and imagined Aldhelm’s serious eyes, his earnest calm voice. _Lady, Mercia needs you._ Aethelflaed wanted to say that no man was able to stop her from a task once she had put her mind to it, but Aldhelm was probably the only one that had a chance. As if he could sense her line of thought—only sense because he luckily was unable to sense how important he was to her—he said: “I know, it would’ve been a futile attempt.” 

His lips were slightly quirked, but he was not too happy. The image of her leaving seemed to scare him. Aethelflaed had to control herself not to reach out her hand and touch his, even though she wanted to do it so badly. His hands looked so nice and inviting. They were probably warm and comforting—

She stopped her thoughts there, didn’t dare to take them further. It wouldn’t just stop at the hands, as soon as she held them, she would notice his arms next, and then his shoulders, his chest, his torso...

“I don’t think you were lying, my lady,” Aldhelm finally said, bringing her back to reality, even if she had to tear her eyes away from him and look into the darkness to not let her minds wander again. “But Uhtred simply wasn’t the only person in your heart that you loved truly. You just didn’t know yet what would weigh stronger.”

“But isn’t that even worse? That my love had limitations.”

“But all our love has.”

Aethelflaed dared to look at Aldhelm again. He returned it with an almost guilty expression, “perhaps it’s just my own limitation. I have never felt a love that didn’t have a limitation. If I’m honest for most of my life my love had quite some limitations. It was about as big as my estate, and maybe the fields beyond it.” 

She genuinely laughed at the expression. What a very Aldhelm way to express love. _My Lady, my love goes as far and wide as my estate, and maybe the fields beyond._ It would’ve made a terrible song. Luckily he wasn’t a poet, no young woman wanted to hear that and yet she liked it.

“If I had to choose between you and Mercia, I would choose Mercia.”

Aethelflaed froze, her eyes were still on Aldhelm and he looked back at her with a serious expression. His voice was a whisper. She should’ve looked away before she got lost again. But she couldn’t and her heart skipped a beat. Could he see it? Could he sense it? Aldhelm released her from this torture by looking away. “And I am certain I never have loved someone more than I love you. It’s a love that goes beyond the borders of Mercia or even these Isles, sometimes I delude myself into believing that it’s borderless.”

He looked all so serious with his eyes cast to the ground. Aethelflaed observed them before her eyes moved to his nose, to his lips. She looked away again uncertain what to say. For some reason she felt like crying. If it was because of Uhtred or Aldhelm. All she knew was that she missed him, missed Uhtred, but even further she missed the comfort of his body, she missed the comfort of a body and she wanted Aldhelm’s body and she couldn’t say if these feelings were connected with each. (She didn’t dare to probe further, didn’t really want to know the answer.)

A sob left her mouth. She had started to cry.

“Absolution or reassurance?” Aldhelm asked again.

“Reassurance,” she whispered.

Before she could say anything further, Aldhelm had gotten up and pulled her into a tight embrace.


End file.
